It's not about the donkey
Mother Theresa, upon receiving the nobel peace prize, was asked if her life was going to change and if she was worried about becomming prideful after such global recognition. She answered 'do you think that when Jesus rode into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday the donkey thought it was about him?'
I wonder if anyone knew the name of the donkey on that day. It was certainly not significant enough to be recorded in any story. He didn't receive a special grooming that morning or a rewarding marvelous dinner in the evening for his toils. He didn't become a tourist attraction where people came through to touch him, take a few strands from his tail to keep in a locket around the neck, or to see if there was an imprint upon his back from where the king had sat.
Not only did Mother Theresa give a great response but it really captures the philosophy of her entire life. This is how she lived, like the one carrying Jesus to his next destination. Not caring to be rewarded, and mostly unaware of how much of an impact she was having but simply there and fulfilling the task ahead. I have recently been reading about the early part of her life and it is so humbling and convicting to read about someone who only cared about others from the very beginning of her journey. No one seems to know how she came to be this way, and she probably didn't even have an answer as she wouldn't have thought it necessary. But unselfish she was from the moment she left her home country and arrived in India as a nun, to the end of her life, all she could see was the poor and their need for love. In all her travels and meetings, she was driven to spread the message of loving the poor. She had no riches of her own, lived a peasants life, sacrificed all just to bring hope to those who were suffering.
I find myself asking daily what stops me from being that way? What holds me back from letting go of everything and living in that manner? Even more frightening than the question, and even the answer itself, is the ability to answer truthfully. If I just think about this critically and play around with all the possible answers, I don't have to face the reality that my heart is so very dark. I can look to all the nice things people say about me, or the way I may have touched lives, or the exterior accomplishments and not actually force myself to admit I am still very selfish and self focussed. Even though I have given so many 'things' in my pursuit to become less materialistic, there are conditions of my heart that don't allow me to be humble and to completely let go of everything. My real selfish desires all seem to linger there hiding behind goodness, always pushing her to the front to convince me she is alone. I like goodness. I can placate myself with goodness but I will never be like Christ, fulfil my call to love unconditionally if I settle on looking at the surface alone.
Why is being truthful so frightening when answering these questions ? Because once you have the real answer, you cannot ignore it anymore. There is no more pretending, you cannot go back and act like you havent seen darkness hiding in the background. I reflect on every motive, every action, every word through this lens of truth and that is how I know for sure- I am not the donkey yet.
Another Deep Breath
So I spent the entire afternoon reading through all our posts on here and it brought back many memories- almost hard to remember what life has been like over the past 5 years because it has changed so dramatically!Anyway, I found something I began and never finished so I thought I would go ahead and post it and then fill in the gaps. It was from January 2009! Who knew how things would change over the course of the next year! Enjoy:I cannot believe a new year has arrived, and yet we are already flying through January. John's family have this great tradition where on Christmas Eve the entire Murray family (his mum's side) sit around and reflect on the past 12 months. (Or as my brother in law puts it 'the part where everyone cries!') Trying to summarise a year is actually quiet hard for several reasons such as remembering painful events, or stressful times or even dwelling on good times that have since passed. John and I began the year, I think, feeling very secure about our future. I received a promotion and the company was doing well, John was headed back to school and we were paying our bills comfortably. However, the year has ended in quite the opposite way: my hours have been cut, John had to abandon his school plans and is now looking for a job so we can meet all our financial demands. *deep breath* I have so many thoughts colliding and running together that I've decided to use this blog to navigate my way through all that I'm feeling. I may not make an entry regularly, let's face it, but writing helps me come to conclusions much faster than sitting and gazing off into space. Also, I know I have a tendency to disconnect from people when I'm not around them despite how much I love them. I realize I am a very 'in the moment' kind of person and can get easily swept away with what is immediately in front of me rather than what I am thinking about. I know it was a very unfinished one but there you go! That is fairly typical of me....I have great ideas for beginning things but am not always very good at following through! Hence the fact that I forgot I even started this post! I have learnt however, that I am awesome at getting people inspired to take on projects and then can spur them to carry it through which is what they are best at. Teamwork is incredible!
What happened next on our deep breath journey was rather insane honestly! John didn't find work until June that year and we were terrified every month that we were going to lose the house. Starbucks became a very sad place as the economy got worse and you really began to see what they were made of- money! All the partners soon lost a lot of their benefits for working there and we were (and they still are) worked much harder than what they're paid for. It was rather a tough six months. In February, I applied for a job at Lee University as a Resident Director. On campus living in the States is a much bigger deal than in England and every residence hall is run by a school staff member with student workers. They are places designed to build community and help students grow and develop into fully fledged healthy adults. It was a grueling four month interview process and in July I was hired to fill a Resident Director position. We put our entire house contents into storage and moved into a tiny apartment in Sharp Hall (residence hall for freshmen girls) and John began his Masters in Biblical studies. This job included all housing costs, free Masters tuition and a small stipend on top. Finally, I was doing a job that touched on so many desires of my heart and John was back on track to becomming a professor. I was working with young women, planning events, figuring out budgets (for those of you who don't know my secret I love accounting!) mentoring and developing people. It was an amazing change after two years of being a barista. I suddenly felt like God had not forgotten me and was opening up doors I had been waiting at for years!
The craziest part- our house did not get rented for a whole other year (despite our best efforts) so we didn't earn a mortgage payment for 18 months and didn't miss one payment thanks to God's provision through friends and families and other crazy ways. Thankfully it is now in the hands of a family who are enjoying the space and mostly it has been going well considering renting. (There was a small bout of unauthorized chicken keeping in the garden but this has now been taken care of!!)
We are still on this path at Lee and although I have changed locations, have more than doubled my resident and staff load, and John has worked his way round three new biblical languages and numerous topics, life as a couple is still just as meaningful and probably even more fulfilling than those early days five years ago when this blog was started. We are learning to be very intentional with our time and to prioritize our family above all else- very important lesson indeed!
My job has gotten much harder due to structural changes but there are so many moments still where I am in awe of what can happen when openly pouring into the lives of others. Not only do you watch them grow but you are also transformed more than you could have imagined. I am forever changed because of the people here.
John is doing excellently in his program (those of you who know him are not really surprised I am sure!). He began working at a local bookshop in June 09 but this year was able to work for professors as a teaching assistant which has reassured him all the more that he was meant to be a teacher. The students love him - especially the ones taking bibilcal Greek as they text and call for his hints and study guides ALL the time! He is so patient and willing to help them succeed - far beyond what he is paid to do. (This is all my unbiased opinion of course! :))
We are part of a wonderful church here called Christ Community- it's completely different to our previous church experiences but we love it and are very plugged in. We both teach on occassion and have made great connections with the people there some of whom I work with so we are really doing life together in every way- sharing work, housing and church. It's a very rare opportunity to do this and is actually also challenging at times -to learn to love people when you see and know so much about each other.
Anyway, I hope that helps fill people in (for whoever is reading) and I will try to be a little more consistent every now and then. Seeing as it's summer and I am off duty, I will probably try and share more about my thoughts and ideas rather than just what we're up to.
Leia
